Cow Corner

End of the season

2009-09-03T10:17:00.016+01:00

Well there you go. Another season done and dusted. A season where
- Steve found his batting mojo again
- I suddenly thought that I might have a batting mojo somewhere in the house
- I hardly managed double figures in wickets taken
- But our 1st XI nearly got promoted, and ...
- We finally got to see Australia play in Edinburgh

Here in Edinburgh it suddenly feels like winter has arrived. As the nights draw in and the rain sets in for good, what better time to post this?

A GOOD INNINGS
Was it all about yourself
and what you could make;
"decent" totals,
disregarding
abuse hurled from the boundary?

Were you just the supporting man,
anchor, weight, security;
ballast for
brighter lights
who couldn't shine without you?

Was it all grim survival,
leaving what you could;
dead-bat,
half-chance,
the grinding out of time?

Were you in complete control,
dictating and conducting;
self-assured,
upright in
your own time and space?

Did you blaze away
and thrash the gathering gloom?

Did you see THAT ball?
Did you play across the line;
fail to pick it,
too quick?
Did you find the track untrue?

Anti-cricket SNP politician - Sandra White

2009-07-14T13:55:00.003+01:00

Today there was an interesting article in The Spectator, by Alex Massie, regarding the loony SNP politician Sandra White. The woman is clearly an idiot....much the same as Christine Grahame 4 years previously. Amazing how these ignorant politicians save up this crap and discharge it every 4 years during the Ashes. Publicity perhaps???

I'll let you make your own minds up.

http://www.spectator.co.uk/alexmassie/5183371/the-snp-cricket-and-soft-unionism.thtml

Study of a team in crisis?

2009-07-12T11:45:00.018+01:00

Yesterday our 1st XI managed a rare feat. A loss. And ZERO points from the game (our league has 20 points for a win, but the loser can get up 12 points, depending on wickets taken and runs scored). You don't get points from a game when you are bowled out for 57 and then fail to take a wicket.

We've got some photographic evidence from earlier in the week. Our camera captured 3 senior players in mid-week action and displaying all the signs of pent up frustration, and misplaced aggression - A TEAM ABOUT TO IMPLODE!!!??

Firstly - K-man (centre) moves towards Cow Corner's Steve, on the right. This could be a congratulory embrace. But there seems to be more in it, as Dave (left) moves to calm things down.
Dave (left) is no longer neutral. K-man clearly has said something.

Dave and Steve look like they are going to teach him a lesson. (Or take his trousers off?)

He's down ...

... so Steve lays the boot in.

Dave starts to lay some punches ...

The opposition can't let this continue and finally move to intervene.
K-dog didn't score any runs on Saturday.

Sleepy hollow

2009-07-09T14:05:00.007+01:00

Not many blogs since the season started ... well, we've been busy.

For a start, the season started! We're a small shop and those doing the donkey work are keen cricketers, so a fair few hours are taken up by playing. The shop is, of course, at its busiest at this time of year.

Most excitingly, we've also been to court a few times. We'll leave this to your imagination for now, and give you the fascinating details of the CASE, when it is all done and dusted. Let's just say, for now, it's to do with us being ripped off by a dodgy courier last year. Better not say the name at the moment - but they are couriers, and using them is not a FAST WAY to get packages from A to B. We were in court today - again! For something so simple, when the opposition aren't even turning up or responding in any way, this is a tortuous drawn out process. Jarndyce v Jarndyce!

Happily, we've been using Parcelforce for ages now and they are excellent.

Watch this space.

Even more on plastic trophies

2009-06-25T16:58:00.010+01:00

Have a look at these!

"Punched in the guts" Is this your club's champion bowler, mid-delivery stride? Or is it a plastic re-enactment of that famous photo from the Spanish Civil war, showing an unlucky ant-fascist getting shot?

"Cricketers in a half shell"
Ha ha! Steve won one like this a couple of years back. It's monstrous. It fails completely and utterly in its efforts to look all "august" and impressive. (At least Steve was unable to break the bat off this one.)

"The claw"
Good God man! I'm having nightmares about this. Imagine those sickly, decaying hands reaching up through the mantel piece! Those ghouls are after my collection of "Most Improved Player" trophies!

More plastic trophies

2009-06-18T16:56:00.007+01:00

Steve has started me off on plastic trophies.

I'm really not a fan of those plastic trophies and I will be trying to make sure they are banished from our end of season awards booze ups / dinners for evermore.

Since his post, I've been rummaging around the house trying to find my stash of plastic past glories. There are two of which I am particularly proud. Two of these deformed, plastic cricketers represent an achievement that very few of you can match.

Here's a photo of them:

You won't be able to read the inscription, so I'll repeat it here. On the right, is my award for the 2004 cricket season. On the left is my award for 2007. The remarkable thing is that BOTH awards are to mark my achievements at the same club as ... MOST IMPROVED PLAYER.

It just goes to show what you can achieve, if you start from a low enough base level. Year 1: I managed to hold the bat the right way round, and only swallowed two metal spikes from my boots. Year 2: I scored 15 legitimate runs off my backside and managed to limit my trademark "beamer" to one an over. Fantastic.

I'm taking a bit of a slump in form this season. It's all part of a plan. I CAN and WILL win this award again!

Injury Update

2009-06-08T22:54:00.004+01:00

Over winter we anticipated a bit more carnage in winter nets. As it happens .... er.... nothing much happened. So we got to the first game of the season in fine fettle.

Something was up on Saturday though. The Netherlands had just beaten England. There was definitely something in the air as we drove over to Alloa for our ESCA Division 4 game ...

1. When we kicked off, the skipper wasn't on the park 'cause he was running late on the trip from Edinburgh.

2. Third ball - our keeper gets a lifter in the mush and is off to A&E for some stitches in the face.

3. After 4 overs, our opening bowler pulls up with a muscle strain and is limping through slips for the rest of the game.

4. In about the 15th over - one of our key all-rounders attempts a catch in the covers, and splits the skin on his right hand. Off to A&E for some stitches.

5. Two overs later - the skipper staves his thumb in the covers. He'll be unable to open the batting.

6. In the 30th over - our stand-in w/k (and other opening bat) staves the middle finger of his left hand. He'll also be unable to open.

We don't have subs.

As it happens - we very nearly chased down the 250 they put on. We got to 243 all out (8 wickets). Cow Corner's very own Steve Colvin got 102 not out.

I survived unscathed, though there's still that terrible chafing on my left heel ... And what's left of my dignity took a battering in my 1-over bowling spell.

Scotland v Dunfermline Carnegie CC

2009-05-29T10:35:00.008+01:00

DUNFERMLINE Carnegie Cricket Club is celebrating its Centenary this season and is appealing to all its former members and anyone who has been associated with the club to get in touch.

They play their home games at Pitreavie, Dunfermline which has been the home of the club since the 1950s. Before that games took place at Venturefair Park – now part of Canmore Golf Club. The cricket club was formed in 1909 by students of the then Dunfermline College of Physical Education and the club is still nicknamed “The College” to this day.

Current club captain David Mitchell said: “Our centenary is a massive event for the club and gives us a great opportunity to celebrate our proud history. There are plenty of people out there who have been involved with Carnegie but are no longer in touch with the club and we would love them to contact us so that they can be involved in the celebrations. We are also extending the invite to both our Centenary games to all those who love cricket, and want to see Scotland play for free. I promise, I will let them bat first in order to guarantee some fireworks!”

The club are holding two "marquee" matches in June 2009 to celebrate their Centenary

The first is a 40/40 match against the Scottish Saltires on Sunday 14 June, with a 1pm start scheduled at Pitreavie. Entry is free, and those attending will get the opportunity to play the "hit for six" competition, where lucky batsmen will be selected from the crowd and will face one ball from a Scotland bowler. If he hits it for a four or six, he will win a crate of beer. The match is supported by Cow Corner.

The second game is "beach cricket" against the Ship Inn on Elie beach on Sunday 28 June. The club are honoured to follow in the footsteps of the Lashings and Australia, who have played there in the past.

The match is a 2pm start, 30 overs per side. The main sponsor of the day is Wolfblass wines, who are offering wine tasting sessions throughout the day, and a barbecue will be provided. The man of the match will win a magnum of Wolfblass wine signed by Darren Gough.

The Centenary dinner takes place at the Carnegie Conference Centre on Friday September 18 2009. Tickets are priced at £45 for a three-course meal and the after-dinner entertainment will be provided by the outstanding Willie Allan.

They are hoping to see as many of our friends from the East League and beyond at both matches!

Where do you keep your broken plastic trophies?

2009-05-26T17:27:00.007+01:00

Okay, you’ve won the club’s batting award for the season, and despite the embarrassing heckles from your team mates when you stand up to collect it, you are secretly quite chuffed.

You sit down and take a closer look at the trophy. Your surname has been spelled incorrectly and the little plastic batsman is playing a shot that would only be possible for a triple jointed human. But no matter, you’re still chuffed.

The awards dinner finishes and you all decide to move on to a pub for a few more drinks, so you pick up your trophy from the table and accidently break the little plastic bat off. Hmmm, no matter…"I’ll just pop the bat in my pocket and glue it back on at a later date"………..but you never do. Infact one year down the line and that little plastic trophy sits at the back of a cupboard next to other trophies and medals gathered throughout the years.

Years go by, and then one day when you remember where the linseed oil is, you open the cupboard door, and there they are clumped up together, reminding you that you "used" to be good. You pick one up, read the misspelled name and notice the bat and stumps are missing, sigh and then smile because although you would never admit it, you’re still chuffed.

Hughes in Scotland - Where was I?

2009-05-14T11:34:00.004+01:00

Oh yes, I was at work ...

Hughes - bowled Nel - 11 (off 20 deliveries).

Where were you?

2009-05-13T17:25:00.004+01:00

As Charles and Di got married, I was a youngster fielding at fine leg and then batting at No. 11 for the Miner's Welfare senior team and trying to save a draw. I got out. During Live Aid I was playing cricket in my mate's back garden. Though, strangely enough, I'm scarred by a memory of Phil Collins' appearance, which I glimpsed during a break in the game. When England lost to Germany on penalties in the 1990 World Cup, I missed it because of a band rehearsal. And I'm ashamed to say that I missed the anti-war marches in Glasgow in 2003 because I had a hangover. To be fair, that was a really bad hangover.

The much-hyped and in-form Phil Hughes will be in town tomorrow (http://www.middlesexccc.com/news-detail.asp?NewsID=1635), as Scotland take on Middlesex in the Friend's Provident Trophy. Better than that, he's actually playing within a 10 minute walk of my house. And the weather forecast looks OK ...

So where will I be when this wunderkind gets to wield the bat? At work.

Is he that good? Is this going to be a memorable miss?

18 degrees - not hot enough

2009-05-07T08:00:00.000+01:00

Today's Guardian has an editorial bemoaning the fact that the England Test schedule is determined by TV money-men. It goes on to say that cricket is a summer sport and early May is not the time to be attempting such shenanigans.

Well ... on the paper's cricket pages, they say that it should reach 18 degrees today at Lords. It will be chilly at first, with a little cloud and 10% chance of some rain.

Does it get better than that?! We'd have people complaining it was too warm and dry for cricket if we had that every week.

Southern nonces.

We're off ...

2009-05-05T18:38:00.058+01:00

After a day's cricket on Saturday (our first game of the season: nice for the team to get a win, nice for me to get 10 overs in), what better than a bit more cricket on Sunday too?

It just so happens that I live pretty close to Goldenacre's cricket pitch. Heriot's (SNCL Premier League team) were up against Scotland Under 19s. It looked like a good game. I dropped by for the last 10 overs of Scotland's innings.

Heriot's were set a total of about 250 and I didn't see the response, as I only had about half an hour. From what I've heard, they were not far off getting there.

Mates who don't play cricket!

2009-04-30T16:46:00.006+01:00

I've been training at the indoor nets since January, each week thinking "... another week closer to the season".

Now, finally, the league starts on Saturday and I'm a sure bet to be opening the batting for the first team....things don't get better than that!

So what does my so called friend do? He decides to have his stag do on the exact Saturday I've been keeping clear for months!

I've known about this for months, but as the day approaches I find myself continually thinking of excuses, hoping that by some miracle his wedding will be called off! Maybe his girlfriend will leave him, or perhaps she'll catch him with someone else.........if only!

Does that make me a bad person or just a cricket fan?

Sunshine?

2009-04-27T21:05:00.015+01:00

As usual, April is a tease: we've played both of our scheduled matches!

OK, our first pre-season friendly (18th April) was a bit chilly, but it was dry and we even got a BBQ going. And we actually got a bit of sunshine last Saturday. Here's photographic evidence.

I've got a new camera, so this may turn out to be a well documented season ...

Budget 2009: Cricket authorities to offer "old-player" subsidy

2009-04-22T15:00:00.003+01:00

Cricketing authorities are offering up to £2000 for old players when traded in for newer, shinier versions.

The committee of one local team, Kirk Brae CC based in Liberton, has expressed caution, saying the scheme may result in many serviceable members being scrapped. "There's no doubt that new members would greatly improve efficiency both on and off the pitch, reducing carbon emissions" said one government spokesman.

Anthony Nuttella, Chairman of a local "green" Rapid Response Action Group, disputed the evidence behind government claims. His group suggests that the plan is a thinly disguised ploy to boost spending on cricket-related items and would actually increase total emissions of hot air. Nutella claims that huge amounts of resources are used in the creation of single new member of a cricket club and it is therefore much more efficient to use aged, decrepit or generally unenthusiastic players "until they can't see the ball".

The subsidy will be available from the end of the current season.

Lots of new match balls

2009-04-08T20:15:00.009+01:00

This picture shows a batch of 600 new ESCA league balls - all packed up and ready to be delivered to the pre-season League meeting. As we watched my old car strain under the weight, we couldn't help thinking about the exciting life ahead of these balls.

So, COW CORNER has commissioned some scientific analysis on the subject.

Initial research tells us that each ball is likely to hit stumps 4 times and hit pads (in cast-iron certain LBWs) 9 times. Early indications are that each ball will be dropped 6 times. That gives us the following figures for my car full of balls: 2400 stumps hits, over 5400 straightforward LBW decisions, 3600 dropped catches.

Our researchers have put together this helpful graphic to illustrate these amazing numbers -
We'll post more research as soon as it becomes available.

And you thought your captain was bad!

2009-04-07T12:49:00.002+01:00

As your skipper is trying to pull a team together for the first games of the season (and trying to make sense out of the rambling replies he's had to his simple request "do you want a game of cricket at the weekend"), spare a thought for Major Nigel Harvie Bennett.

Good old Major Nigel Harvie Bennett was captain of Surrey in 1946 ... by mistake.

The Times had a small piece about him on Monday (here). Major Nigel turned up at Lords one Spring morning in 1946, to renew his membership. It was all a bit chaotic there at the time and the ground had been used by the military during the war. Surrey had decided that a certain Major LEO Bennett should take over the captaincy that season. It just so happened that when Major NIGEL Bennett turned up, the clerk took his papers in to the Secretary, who happened to have the club Chairman in the room with him, and they gladly took the opportunity to offer Bennet the captaincy there and then: Major Nigel Bennett accepted.

His lack of knowledge ruffled a few feathers. In his first game, he repeatedly rolled the new ball back to his opening bowler. Apparently, on another occasion he asked Jim Laker to open the bowling, saying "But you bowl quick too, don't you?"

There's no mention of how Major Leo Bennett coped during that season. But I do have a great deal of sympathy for Major Nigel. Good on him for accepting the challenge.

Helmet

2009-04-02T17:31:00.004+01:00

So, all the new gear is now in stock at Cow Corner. Our favourite is the Newbery “Grizzly” bat, which comes with a striking pink grip and bear 's claws across the back . Very tasteful! But what item has proven to be the best seller so far in 2009? The humble helmet of course. As clubs begin pre-season training on hard indoor surfaces, the protection a helmet provides is invaluable. However, is outdoors a different matter?

In the East of Scotland our grass pitches bear no relation to the fast bouncy indoor environments. Replicating our wickets indoors would require slopping huge quantities of mud up and down the net’s area beforehand. On our slow, early-season wickets a batsmen often has the chance to have two or three swings at the same short pitched delivery.

This is demonstrated brilliantly in the following diagram. Please note the detail in the cloud.

We'll meet again?

2009-03-10T10:53:00.005Z

We now know where and when. The BBC reports that Scotland will warm up for this year's Twenty20 with a knock-about against England at Trent Bridge, on 2 June.

One thing is for certain - expect rain. Lot's of it.

In recent years it seems that all of Scotland's high profile, BIG international fixtures in the UK have involved oodles of rain. Well, it was actually sleet when Pakistan came to play in Glasgow. We didn't get more than a damp few overs against England in last year's historic "full" ODI. And I remember a glorious day in the rain, watching Australia's finest "press the flesh" around the boundary at the Grange, here in Edinburgh.

My money is on 8 overs of play. Max. You read it here first.

Coaching Corner (3. SLOG SWEEP)

2009-03-08T13:09:00.015Z

Steve's really pretty good with this hockey stick!

Session 3. The slog/sweep - with a hockey stick. (He reckons this would have gone for six. Hang in there to watch it all go wrong - buffoonery can be transformed into a "thing of beauty".)

Colvin's Coaching Corner

2009-03-04T21:47:00.008Z

Some 'alternative' coaching from Mr 'Colvinator' Colvin.

2. How not to play the pull shot - with a hockey stick.

1. A nice and tidy off drive - with a hockey stick.

Most expensive overs?

2009-02-25T15:17:00.006Z

A great story in the Guardian at the weekend! John Morrison, former coach with Wellington, talks about a single over in first class cricket where 77 (yes, SEVENTY SEVEN) runs were conceded!

Two teams were playing in New Zealand in 1990. One was closing in on the championship and needing a win. The other had nothing much to play for and looked content to see the game out for a draw. The would-be-champions were desperate and wanted to try anything in order to encourage their opponents to make a game of it. With two overs to go and 90 runs to get, Bert Vance stepped up. He proceeded to toss up no-ball full tosses. Lots of them.

The scorers and umpires (and the little fellas clambering all over the old-fashioned score board) were in complete disarray: "no one knew what the hell was going on". It's thought one batsman scored 85 runs in the final two overs. And it ended in arguments as no one was really sure what the score was. Officially it was a draw.

Vance must have bowled something like this - 6 (NB), 4, 6 (NB), 6, 4 (NB), 4(NB), 6, 4(NB), 2, 4 (NB), 4 (NB), 6 (NB), 2, 6 (NB), 4.

Is there someone in the lower reaches of ESCA cricket who could come up with a similar story (except maybe it would be unintentional)?

I know my glorious return to bowling (after "a number" of years) saw me taking a very long opening over and get hit for at least 12. I hit the batsman, bowled at least 2 no balls and 2 wides, got hit for a boundary and ... took a wicket. Off a full toss, naturally.

Or we know of one "Shawbags" who disgusted his regular bowlers by dishing up pies galore - and finished with seven wickets. His last over saw wides and no balls a-plenty (must have been in excess of 15 runs?), with the captain beseeching him to just get through it any which way he could. Of course the over also saw the seventh wicket fall: a huge, skier, straight into the (tiny) hands of our opening bowler.

It's the only time I've seen the ball thrown down with disgust as soon as it was caught.

'Tis the season to be jolly

2009-02-18T14:13:00.009Z

An exciting time.

And not just because we had a "bowling challenge" video from Graham Norton. Not just because the ice has melted and we've caught sight of the sun again and not only because I get to listen to the sound of summer beaming over from the West Indies on TMS in the afternoons. And it's not even because our net sessions are now in full flow - all that sweat, blood and foot chafing in excellent facilities (Scotland's National Cricket Academy) that will, IN NO WAY, prepare us for life on the slow, low and damp wickets we'll be sliding on, come April.

No, it's exciting because our new 2009 gear is arriving.

I've not seen any of it yet, but I know that Steve's been drowning under boxes. From the outside it must look like that crap film joke where an endless chain of people get into a small car ... The cellar is probably full by now.

We'll have an update soon on what's looking good. How much of it is simply new labels (and hyperbole) on last year's stock? We'll also have to highlight the most ridiculous marketing associated with this year's stuff. The worst culprit last year was Kookaburra, with their "unleash the beast" nonsense. Jeez.

Celebrity appearance - II

2009-02-08T20:28:00.019Z

Last year we were delighted to have a bowling challenge entry from the one and only Steve Harmison.

Well, this week we were surprised (if a little bemused) to get the following entry from telly's Graham Norton. The more the merrier, I say.

Right then Graham, show us what you're made of.

Aaaaargh - Hands off my crown jewels

2009-02-05T15:08:00.011Z

Do I have the right to SEE Strauss trudging off for "not very many"? Shouldn't I get to SEE Pietersen's new facial hair blowing in the trade winds? We're following progress in Jamaica from the icy reaches of Edinburgh, but I'm not going to be able to see any of it.

When I was a lad, you could while away a long, rainy, summer's day watching LIVE test cricket beaming in from sunnier climes. In the multi-channel SKY world things are very different.

The rights and wrongs of ECB's most recent cricket deal are a complicated business. You could argue about the impact of all this TV money on cricket development (in England NOT the UK) and the arcane wranglings that lie behind the UK's statutory categorisation of "class A" and "class B" sport events. There's law that determines what sports events are ring-fenced (the crown jewels of the nation's sport) and MUST be shown on free-to-air TV ...

It's a strange business. What on earth is the logic of the "class B" cricket entry that currently protects the highlights of "test matches played in England". Why oh why oh why would I be more likely to want to see a test from Nottingham than one from the Windies?!

I can understand why LIVE test cricket on the free-to-air TV might be difficult, but highlights? You can't even guarantee seeing 3 seconds of this current test on the news!? What sort of profile is that for the sport?

What is undeniable is that many kids can not be exposed to cricket in the way I was - and this is very short-sighted. Even if TV-money IS being pumped into grass-roots cricket in England, it's still dodgy. The impact of a test series such as "Botham's" in '81 (or Ashes '05) was absolutely huge. EVERYONE was tuning in to see what happened. (Cricket Scotland are doing well, but there is an impression that they are concentrating mostly on the upper reaches of Scottish cricket - your average joe from a state school in Bathgate is still quite unlikely to come across cricket, on TV or otherwise).

So what do you do?

1. Subscribe to Sky? About £40 a month to get a package that includes cricket (and hundreds of channels of PAP). SKY sports presenters tend to make me feel queasy.
2. Streaming broadcasts on the PC? Mmmm. My pc hasn't been very happy with my recent attempts. And it seems SKY might be ahead of the game and have hired some big heavies with sticks to stop those shenanigans.
3. Errr. That's it, short of using your imagination and filming it yourself, with some friends, in the garden.

Well, there's talk that Twenty20 games will be ring fenced for free-to-air live transmission when the current list is reviewed. Great. Better than a poke in the eye with a stump. And praise be Test Match Special on the radio.

PS - if you can be bothered, there are some good discussions of the cricket on tv debate here
http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2009/jan/22/cricket-rugbyunion
and here
http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2009/jan/22/owen-gibson-sport-television-broadcast-rights .

Injury Diary 2009 - Update 31 January

2009-02-03T13:28:00.003Z

Saturday 31/01/2009
This Saturday's session saw a staggering 37.5% of badgers (KirkBrae players) get injured!

The highlight has to be Ben: he got hit by the ball in his privates...not whilst batting though! Oh no, a particularly crazy Raja passed the ball back to an unaware Ben, resulting in a grown man rolling around the deck. We also saw a bowler hurt his back whilst batting and Colin once again enjoyed repeatedly mentioning how sore his foot still was...this time resulting from 'slippage' within the shoe!!!!

Injury Diary 2009

2009-01-29T16:54:00.012Z

Imagine the setting if you will. Quality indoor cricket academy with fast bouncy rubbered flooring and several lanes of netting full to the brim with talented aspiring cricketers perfecting their individual trades. Now wipe that thought and replace it with my cricket team, Kirkbrae CC, an Edinburgh side more used to seeing down a pint glass than a cricket net. Maybe that explains why in the 2008 winter net sessions we saw more injuries than most Premiership football clubs see all season. Due to last year's spate of wrists, fingers, toes and face breakages I thought it may be of interest to keep an ‘injury diary’ in 2009 to see if we fare any better!

Saturday 24/01/2009
Not long after starting, our newly recruited South African fast bowler pulls up with a hamstring problem. Like a brave soldier he carries on…bowling spin and getting tonked. Mr Morely turns up towards the end despite pulling his calf muscle the previous week, and Colin (co-owner of Cow Corner) battles on bravely with his ever so slightly bruised foot. Colin was hit on the foot whilst batting before Christmas and it has remained tender ever since, hence his latest potty invention…which incidentally we will most certainly NOT be selling at Cow Corner. An arm guard strapped to the top of his foot!

KP nuts

2009-01-15T12:55:00.012Z

Keven Pietersen’s ever increasing ego is now beginning to affect the other England players, say sources close to the South African husband of pop star Jessica Taylor.

According to our fictional source, the recent furore involving Peter Moores is just the tip of the iceberg. “When KP was born in 1980, his ego was that of a normal new-born baby, but due to unforeseen circumstances it has increased exponentially and doesn’t look like it’s going to stop any time soon.”

The source went on to say, “The latest casualty was Mick (Michael Vaughan). It was horrible, there was Mick batting in the indoor nets with the other average England boys and Colly (Paul Collingwood) comes trundling in and throws one up in the air. Just as Mick is about to smash it, all the lights disappear and he takes it in the face…. KP’s ego had only gone and blocked all the light out, han’t it!?”

This is the latest of a string of incidents associated with the ex-England, South African captain. These incidents are alleged to have included the infamous break up of Liberty X and the televised show ‘Battle of the Egos’, which lead to the resignation of Carol Vorderman from Countdown.

Shane Warne's horror show

2009-01-14T09:10:00.017Z

Shane Warne - how do you sleep?

Forget the shoe whitener! We bought a fair few copies of "Shane Warne's Cricket Test" when we opened over two years ago... We always meant to get round to having a look at it but only got the chance very recently to open one up and have a play.

Having had a play, I'd like to formally apologise to anyone who has bought one of these. Luckily, I don't think anyone HAS ever bought one from us. We did give some away as prizes at some point. We thought it looked like a GREAT prize, so I'd also like to formally apologise to anyone who might have thought they had won something decent. We hold Shane Warne responsible, but I know that won't make you feel any better or undo the damage already done, or bring back the wasted minutes of your life you might have spent playing this tosh.

Shane Warne's Cricket Test is a cricket DVD quiz. You use your DVD remote to play the game on TV. It's for one or two teams, and you play as England or Australia. You "bat" by answering the questions. Get it right and you've hit some runs. A scoreboard keeps track. That sounds OK, but the execution is embarrassing.

Questions come in categories like "Fast", "Medium" or "Spin" etc., but this has no bearing on what kind of question you get. And there's no indication of how many runs you'll get if you get it right. If you get it wrong, you see Warney making a big appeal to the umpire. You tend to survive a couple of appeals and are given out the third time. But then fairly often you will be told that you have been bowled, run out etc. without even facing a question. The question database must be tiny, cause we were getting repeats and we only played one game.

This DVD game, it turns out, is lame.

It's rubbish.

We hereby announce that the winner of the kack-handed bowling contest can have some shoe-whitener AND a Shane Warne DVD game.

OK he could bowl a bit. But a bottle of his hair tonic would be more fun than this. (Aaahh - maybe that's the idea. Maybe this game makes perfect sense after you've downed a few of those hair restorative things?)

Aussie challengers

2009-01-03T18:32:00.021Z

Just as we were getting worried that Harmison's woeful entry might have scared away serious contenders, these beauties arrived in the Cow Corner inbox. All the way from Australia! Some good efforts, I'm sure you'll agree, but brace yourselves to behold the wonder of "Stevo."

First up Dave:

Jess - we thought you'd managed it. For a moment there we really thought we were going to have to send shoe whitener all the way round the world!? Nice try.

A noble effort from Nat.

But Stevo, Stevo, Stevo, Stevo... Good god man! This has got to be our favourite so far.

Don't worry - there's still plenty of shoe whitener. Will we have a winner before we sell it off?

Bowling challenge - celebrity appearance!

2008-12-12T09:59:00.008Z

The kack-handed bowling challenge gathers pace.

Perhaps it is because we improved the prize at stake, I don't know. Anyway, we are delighted to have received a video from the one and only ... Steve Harmison. Good on him. It's not the best of efforts, but it's all about taking part. We might send him some shoe whitener anyway.

Bowling challenge - exciting new Christmas prize

2008-12-09T14:54:00.006Z

As it's Christmas, we've decided to improve the prize on offer for anyone talented enough to match Cow Corner's "BOWLING CHALLENGE" (see the videos posted last week).

There'll now be a tube of shoe whitener for the lucky winner. So pick up the ball in your "wrong" hand and get bowling...

Shoe whitener

2008-12-04T12:34:00.005Z

We have a number of things that are really difficult to sell. But what has been THE worst performing product in the history of COW CORNER. Shoe whitener?

It was my idea. I said we needed some and we bought a pack of 12. In two years we have sold ... 1 tube of the stuff. Surely the bloke had another use for it, NOT cricket-shoe related.

Shoe whitener: for people who wear leather cricket shoes and who want to ensure they are kept sparklingly white.

In the world of shoe whitener do people still wear cotton flannels and woollen cricket sweaters? Are they either clean shaven or sporting a splendid set of whiskers? Batsmen probably smoke at the crease. And they don't cheat. And maybe there are wives making cricket teas. And there aren't competitive league games. And the draw wouldn't have been abolished in ESCA (our local league).

Kack-Handed Bowling: the great £1 challenge

2008-11-30T21:02:00.028Z

Pre-season training, hey? What better time to launch Cow Corner's legendary £1 Kack-Handed Bowling Challenge? The princely sum of £1 will go to the first kack-handed bowler to hit the stumps.

COW had the camera running, but unfortunately the batteries ran out after only 5 attempts. Other Kirk Brae challengers will have to wait. Saturday's efforts were mostly pitiful and more dedication is clearly needed.

First up, setting the bar at a very low level - me:

Azzy had one of the better attempts, showing that Kirk Brae's junior policy is already paying dividends:

Steve Colvinates those stumps big time:

Ben shows us how it is done:

And, last but not least - Ross, who (like the rest of us) turned out to be all talk and no trousers on this occasion:

Please send video evidence of kack-handed excellence to mail@cowcc.com

Rotten Woodworm

2008-11-21T15:08:00.006Z

So what went wrong with Woodworm?

COW loved the worm logo - and we always liked the gear, almost in spite of the brash and bold marketing. We always thought that the stuff was well made and of a high quality, whether it be bags, clothing or bats...

I did wonder when they started looking at golf. Then last year, we shook our heads in disbelief when we saw the catalogue for the 2008 cricket season. It was never going to work - they'd kept the "cartoon" look on the pads and gloves, but had that ludicrous bat range - designed to confuse your humble retailer and customer, with it's messed up colour / naming scheme and a naff 80's computer vibe. "Yeah - I'll have a bronze mega-byte. Yes, the one with the silver grip. Not the one with the bronze grip ... that's the platinum hard drive." Jeez.

Funnily enough, all the grizzled reps (from Grays, Kookaburra, County etc.) had always maintained that Woodworm wouldn't be around for long. At the time I thought it was sour grapes.

I think it's a shame. They made some decent gear, but made some awful moves! Anyone want one of our Bronze Hard drives?

England collapse

2008-11-13T12:07:00.020Z

Well, England lost their warm up game against the Mumbai President's XI by a massive 142 runs! How strange! How this could happen?

England's run up to the Indian tour has been perfect in every way. The ECB must be extremely baffled. Surely by 'loaning' the England Cricket Team to a self promoting American billionnaire so he could pit their wits against the likes of Middlesex is the perfect preparation for a tour against a team that have just beaten the Aussies 2-0. Pietersen says the huge loss to a team made of of mostly club players was just a blip. Of course if by 'blip' he means incompetent batsman and injured bowlers then he's quite correct.

England now have......wait for it.......SEVEN one day international matches in little more than a two week period followed closely by two back-to-back test matches. The word 'whitewash' springs to mind!