We'll meet again?

We now know where and when. The BBC reports that Scotland will warm up for this year's Twenty20 with a knock-about against England at Trent Bridge, on 2 June.

One thing is for certain - expect rain. Lot's of it.

In recent years it seems that all of Scotland's high profile, BIG international fixtures in the UK have involved oodles of rain. Well, it was actually sleet when Pakistan came to play in Glasgow. We didn't get more than a damp few overs against England in last year's historic "full" ODI. And I remember a glorious day in the rain, watching Australia's finest "press the flesh" around the boundary at the Grange, here in Edinburgh.

My money is on 8 overs of play. Max. You read it here first.

Coaching Corner (3. SLOG SWEEP)

Steve's really pretty good with this hockey stick!

Session 3. The slog/sweep - with a hockey stick. (He reckons this would have gone for six. Hang in there to watch it all go wrong - buffoonery can be transformed into a "thing of beauty".)

Colvin's Coaching Corner

Some 'alternative' coaching from Mr 'Colvinator' Colvin.

2. How not to play the pull shot - with a hockey stick.


1. A nice and tidy off drive - with a hockey stick.

Most expensive overs?

A great story in the Guardian at the weekend! John Morrison, former coach with Wellington, talks about a single over in first class cricket where 77 (yes, SEVENTY SEVEN) runs were conceded!

Two teams were playing in New Zealand in 1990. One was closing in on the championship and needing a win. The other had nothing much to play for and looked content to see the game out for a draw. The would-be-champions were desperate and wanted to try anything in order to encourage their opponents to make a game of it. With two overs to go and 90 runs to get, Bert Vance stepped up. He proceeded to toss up no-ball full tosses. Lots of them.

The scorers and umpires (and the little fellas clambering all over the old-fashioned score board) were in complete disarray: "no one knew what the hell was going on". It's thought one batsman scored 85 runs in the final two overs. And it ended in arguments as no one was really sure what the score was. Officially it was a draw.

Vance must have bowled something like this - 6 (NB), 4, 6 (NB), 6, 4 (NB), 4(NB), 6, 4(NB), 2, 4 (NB), 4 (NB), 6 (NB), 2, 6 (NB), 4.

Is there someone in the lower reaches of ESCA cricket who could come up with a similar story (except maybe it would be unintentional)?

I know my glorious return to bowling (after "a number" of years) saw me taking a very long opening over and get hit for at least 12. I hit the batsman, bowled at least 2 no balls and 2 wides, got hit for a boundary and ... took a wicket. Off a full toss, naturally.

Or we know of one "Shawbags" who disgusted his regular bowlers by dishing up pies galore - and finished with seven wickets. His last over saw wides and no balls a-plenty (must have been in excess of 15 runs?), with the captain beseeching him to just get through it any which way he could. Of course the over also saw the seventh wicket fall: a huge, skier, straight into the (tiny) hands of our opening bowler.

It's the only time I've seen the ball thrown down with disgust as soon as it was caught.

'Tis the season to be jolly

An exciting time.

And not just because we had a "bowling challenge" video from Graham Norton. Not just because the ice has melted and we've caught sight of the sun again and not only because I get to listen to the sound of summer beaming over from the West Indies on TMS in the afternoons. And it's not even because our net sessions are now in full flow - all that sweat, blood and foot chafing in excellent facilities (Scotland's National Cricket Academy) that will, IN NO WAY, prepare us for life on the slow, low and damp wickets we'll be sliding on, come April.

No, it's exciting because our new 2009 gear is arriving.

I've not seen any of it yet, but I know that Steve's been drowning under boxes. From the outside it must look like that crap film joke where an endless chain of people get into a small car ... The cellar is probably full by now.

We'll have an update soon on what's looking good. How much of it is simply new labels (and hyperbole) on last year's stock? We'll also have to highlight the most ridiculous marketing associated with this year's stuff. The worst culprit last year was Kookaburra, with their "unleash the beast" nonsense. Jeez.

Celebrity appearance - II

Last year we were delighted to have a bowling challenge entry from the one and only Steve Harmison.

Well, this week we were surprised (if a little bemused) to get the following entry from telly's Graham Norton. The more the merrier, I say.

Right then Graham, show us what you're made of.

Aaaaargh - Hands off my crown jewels

Do I have the right to SEE Strauss trudging off for "not very many"? Shouldn't I get to SEE Pietersen's new facial hair blowing in the trade winds? We're following progress in Jamaica from the icy reaches of Edinburgh, but I'm not going to be able to see any of it.

When I was a lad, you could while away a long, rainy, summer's day watching LIVE test cricket beaming in from sunnier climes. In the multi-channel SKY world things are very different.

The rights and wrongs of ECB's most recent cricket deal are a complicated business. You could argue about the impact of all this TV money on cricket development (in England NOT the UK) and the arcane wranglings that lie behind the UK's statutory categorisation of "class A" and "class B" sport events. There's law that determines what sports events are ring-fenced (the crown jewels of the nation's sport) and MUST be shown on free-to-air TV ...

It's a strange business. What on earth is the logic of the "class B" cricket entry that currently protects the highlights of "test matches played in England". Why oh why oh why would I be more likely to want to see a test from Nottingham than one from the Windies?!

I can understand why LIVE test cricket on the free-to-air TV might be difficult, but highlights? You can't even guarantee seeing 3 seconds of this current test on the news!? What sort of profile is that for the sport?

What is undeniable is that many kids can not be exposed to cricket in the way I was - and this is very short-sighted. Even if TV-money IS being pumped into grass-roots cricket in England, it's still dodgy. The impact of a test series such as "Botham's" in '81 (or Ashes '05) was absolutely huge. EVERYONE was tuning in to see what happened. (Cricket Scotland are doing well, but there is an impression that they are concentrating mostly on the upper reaches of Scottish cricket - your average joe from a state school in Bathgate is still quite unlikely to come across cricket, on TV or otherwise).

So what do you do?

1. Subscribe to Sky? About £40 a month to get a package that includes cricket (and hundreds of channels of PAP). SKY sports presenters tend to make me feel queasy.
2. Streaming broadcasts on the PC? Mmmm. My pc hasn't been very happy with my recent attempts. And it seems SKY might be ahead of the game and have hired some big heavies with sticks to stop those shenanigans.
3. Errr. That's it, short of using your imagination and filming it yourself, with some friends, in the garden.

Well, there's talk that Twenty20 games will be ring fenced for free-to-air live transmission when the current list is reviewed. Great. Better than a poke in the eye with a stump. And praise be Test Match Special on the radio.

PS - if you can be bothered, there are some good discussions of the cricket on tv debate here
http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2009/jan/22/cricket-rugbyunion
and here
http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2009/jan/22/owen-gibson-sport-television-broadcast-rights .

Injury Diary 2009 - Update 31 January

Saturday 31/01/2009
This Saturday's session saw a staggering 37.5% of badgers (KirkBrae players) get injured!

The highlight has to be Ben: he got hit by the ball in his privates...not whilst batting though! Oh no, a particularly crazy Raja passed the ball back to an unaware Ben, resulting in a grown man rolling around the deck. We also saw a bowler hurt his back whilst batting and Colin once again enjoyed repeatedly mentioning how sore his foot still was...this time resulting from 'slippage' within the shoe!!!!

Injury Diary 2009

Imagine the setting if you will. Quality indoor cricket academy with fast bouncy rubbered flooring and several lanes of netting full to the brim with talented aspiring cricketers perfecting their individual trades. Now wipe that thought and replace it with my cricket team, Kirkbrae CC, an Edinburgh side more used to seeing down a pint glass than a cricket net. Maybe that explains why in the 2008 winter net sessions we saw more injuries than most Premiership football clubs see all season. Due to last year's spate of wrists, fingers, toes and face breakages I thought it may be of interest to keep an ‘injury diary’ in 2009 to see if we fare any better!

Saturday 24/01/2009
Not long after starting, our newly recruited South African fast bowler pulls up with a hamstring problem. Like a brave soldier he carries on…bowling spin and getting tonked. Mr Morely turns up towards the end despite pulling his calf muscle the previous week, and Colin (co-owner of Cow Corner) battles on bravely with his ever so slightly bruised foot. Colin was hit on the foot whilst batting before Christmas and it has remained tender ever since, hence his latest potty invention…which incidentally we will most certainly NOT be selling at Cow Corner. An arm guard strapped to the top of his foot!

KP nuts

Keven Pietersen’s ever increasing ego is now beginning to affect the other England players, say sources close to the South African husband of pop star Jessica Taylor.

According to our fictional source, the recent furore involving Peter Moores is just the tip of the iceberg. “When KP was born in 1980, his ego was that of a normal new-born baby, but due to unforeseen circumstances it has increased exponentially and doesn’t look like it’s going to stop any time soon.”

The source went on to say, “The latest casualty was Mick (Michael Vaughan). It was horrible, there was Mick batting in the indoor nets with the other average England boys and Colly (Paul Collingwood) comes trundling in and throws one up in the air. Just as Mick is about to smash it, all the lights disappear and he takes it in the face…. KP’s ego had only gone and blocked all the light out, han’t it!?”

This is the latest of a string of incidents associated with the ex-England, South African captain. These incidents are alleged to have included the infamous break up of Liberty X and the televised show ‘Battle of the Egos’, which lead to the resignation of Carol Vorderman from Countdown.

Shane Warne's horror show

Shane Warne - how do you sleep?

Forget the shoe whitener! We bought a fair few copies of "Shane Warne's Cricket Test" when we opened over two years ago... We always meant to get round to having a look at it but only got the chance very recently to open one up and have a play.

Having had a play, I'd like to formally apologise to anyone who has bought one of these. Luckily, I don't think anyone HAS ever bought one from us. We did give some away as prizes at some point. We thought it looked like a GREAT prize, so I'd also like to formally apologise to anyone who might have thought they had won something decent. We hold Shane Warne responsible, but I know that won't make you feel any better or undo the damage already done, or bring back the wasted minutes of your life you might have spent playing this tosh.

Shane Warne's Cricket Test is a cricket DVD quiz. You use your DVD remote to play the game on TV. It's for one or two teams, and you play as England or Australia. You "bat" by answering the questions. Get it right and you've hit some runs. A scoreboard keeps track. That sounds OK, but the execution is embarrassing.

Questions come in categories like "Fast", "Medium" or "Spin" etc., but this has no bearing on what kind of question you get. And there's no indication of how many runs you'll get if you get it right. If you get it wrong, you see Warney making a big appeal to the umpire. You tend to survive a couple of appeals and are given out the third time. But then fairly often you will be told that you have been bowled, run out etc. without even facing a question. The question database must be tiny, cause we were getting repeats and we only played one game.

This DVD game, it turns out, is lame.

It's rubbish.

We hereby announce that the winner of the kack-handed bowling contest can have some shoe-whitener AND a Shane Warne DVD game.

OK he could bowl a bit. But a bottle of his hair tonic would be more fun than this. (Aaahh - maybe that's the idea. Maybe this game makes perfect sense after you've downed a few of those hair restorative things?)

Aussie challengers

Just as we were getting worried that Harmison's woeful entry might have scared away serious contenders, these beauties arrived in the Cow Corner inbox. All the way from Australia! Some good efforts, I'm sure you'll agree, but brace yourselves to behold the wonder of "Stevo."

First up Dave:


Jess - we thought you'd managed it. For a moment there we really thought we were going to have to send shoe whitener all the way round the world!? Nice try.


A noble effort from Nat.


But Stevo, Stevo, Stevo, Stevo... Good god man! This has got to be our favourite so far.


Don't worry - there's still plenty of shoe whitener. Will we have a winner before we sell it off?

Bowling challenge - celebrity appearance!

The kack-handed bowling challenge gathers pace.

Perhaps it is because we improved the prize at stake, I don't know. Anyway, we are delighted to have received a video from the one and only ... Steve Harmison. Good on him. It's not the best of efforts, but it's all about taking part. We might send him some shoe whitener anyway.

Bowling challenge - exciting new Christmas prize

As it's Christmas, we've decided to improve the prize on offer for anyone talented enough to match Cow Corner's "BOWLING CHALLENGE" (see the videos posted last week).

There'll now be a tube of shoe whitener for the lucky winner. So pick up the ball in your "wrong" hand and get bowling...

Shoe whitener

We have a number of things that are really difficult to sell. But what has been THE worst performing product in the history of COW CORNER. Shoe whitener?

It was my idea. I said we needed some and we bought a pack of 12. In two years we have sold ... 1 tube of the stuff. Surely the bloke had another use for it, NOT cricket-shoe related.

Shoe whitener: for people who wear leather cricket shoes and who want to ensure they are kept sparklingly white.

In the world of shoe whitener do people still wear cotton flannels and woollen cricket sweaters? Are they either clean shaven or sporting a splendid set of whiskers? Batsmen probably smoke at the crease. And they don't cheat. And maybe there are wives making cricket teas. And there aren't competitive league games. And the draw wouldn't have been abolished in ESCA (our local league).

Kack-Handed Bowling: the great £1 challenge

Pre-season training, hey? What better time to launch Cow Corner's legendary £1 Kack-Handed Bowling Challenge? The princely sum of £1 will go to the first kack-handed bowler to hit the stumps.

COW had the camera running, but unfortunately the batteries ran out after only 5 attempts. Other Kirk Brae challengers will have to wait. Saturday's efforts were mostly pitiful and more dedication is clearly needed.

First up, setting the bar at a very low level - me:




Azzy had one of the better attempts, showing that Kirk Brae's junior policy is already paying dividends:




Steve Colvinates those stumps big time:




Ben shows us how it is done:




And, last but not least - Ross, who (like the rest of us) turned out to be all talk and no trousers on this occasion:




Please send video evidence of kack-handed excellence to mail@cowcc.com

Rotten Woodworm

So what went wrong with Woodworm?

COW loved the worm logo - and we always liked the gear, almost in spite of the brash and bold marketing. We always thought that the stuff was well made and of a high quality, whether it be bags, clothing or bats...

I did wonder when they started looking at golf. Then last year, we shook our heads in disbelief when we saw the catalogue for the 2008 cricket season. It was never going to work - they'd kept the "cartoon" look on the pads and gloves, but had that ludicrous bat range - designed to confuse your humble retailer and customer, with it's messed up colour / naming scheme and a naff 80's computer vibe. "Yeah - I'll have a bronze mega-byte. Yes, the one with the silver grip. Not the one with the bronze grip ... that's the platinum hard drive." Jeez.

Funnily enough, all the grizzled reps (from Grays, Kookaburra, County etc.) had always maintained that Woodworm wouldn't be around for long. At the time I thought it was sour grapes.

I think it's a shame. They made some decent gear, but made some awful moves! Anyone want one of our Bronze Hard drives?

England collapse

Well, England lost their warm up game against the Mumbai President's XI by a massive 142 runs! How strange! How this could happen?

England's run up to the Indian tour has been perfect in every way. The ECB must be extremely baffled. Surely by 'loaning' the England Cricket Team to a self promoting American billionnaire so he could pit their wits against the likes of Middlesex is the perfect preparation for a tour against a team that have just beaten the Aussies 2-0. Pietersen says the huge loss to a team made of of mostly club players was just a blip. Of course if by 'blip' he means incompetent batsman and injured bowlers then he's quite correct.

England now have......wait for it.......SEVEN one day international matches in little more than a two week period followed closely by two back-to-back test matches. The word 'whitewash' springs to mind!